Love in the Time of Corona Virus

It’s dawn and I see the orange, pink, blue hues of the sun rising as I wake up to the chirping of the birds, gentle sunlight streaming in through the glass windows overlooking the valley, the wind singing a song as the pine trees dance to its tune. I sit in the balcony and enjoy my cup of coffee, enjoying my week of “me time” in the foothills of the Himalayas. I go for runs and hikes, and I check in on family twice a day on a phone call, my only connection with the world. No social media or chat engines except for 30 minutes in the day mainly to see if there is anything from clients I need to respond to.

I am a pro at social distancing as a person, and was indulging in it now because it came so naturally to me. But this recently imposed directive globally made me think of what this minuscule but lethal Corona virus is doing to people across the world.

I admit, Covid-19, the disease caused by the new strain of Coronavirus is a cause of concern. It’s spreading fast, and there is currently no cure or preventive vaccine for it and fatalities are being reported. So of course, it’s understandable that people will be frightened about it.

Globally, there are close to 8,000 deaths due to Corona virus since it broke out in November 2019. In the US alone, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimate 22,000 to 52,000 deaths due to the common flu from October 1st 2019 to March 7th 2020. And as is expected, it is the elderly, and those with pre-existing respiratory conditions who are at major risk. A large majority of people who get the corona virus develop mild symptoms if at all, and can be treated at home. Some will report no symptoms at all.

There are stark measures being enforced to contain the spread. Major lockdowns are being proposed across countries. Schools, offices, gyms, entertainment venues are shut, markets are crashing, discrimination and violence against Asians is gathering momentum (as if we weren’t dealing with enough communal hatred already), no group gatherings are allowed (section 144 being imposed in some places) and panic buying and hoarding behavior is being observed. Hand sanitizers, face masks, disinfectants, & soaps are unavailable due to increased demand and less supply. and I am sure groceries and other essentials will soon be flying off the shelves with the fear of lockdowns in place.

Why are we SO fearful? Let’s understand the psychology behind it.

It’s a potent mix of our heightened emotions, in this particular case fear, and limited information which translate into our behaviors and actions. This further perpetuates unfounded & fake claims, problematic, hostile, and fearful attitudes towards an event such as the rise of the Corona virus and people who may have unbeknownst to them have unfortunately, unknowingly contracted it. It all started in China, and started spreading across because it’s contagious, and we fear falling prey to it as well, whether or not it is as rampant in our region yet or not, but up comes our guard, our self-preservation mode notched up a few, alarming levels. “What’s wrong in being careful,” you may ask? Nothing wrong in that, I say. Cautious is OK, making informed decisions is fine, but being panic struck and fearful cripples us.

Why is that happening?

We give attention to what we see, hear, or read on a constant basis. Our minds go to news pieces that confirm our fear, and that is what is constantly happening thanks to the 24/7 media updates on the virus and its outbreak, and the panic that is creating. Let’s also not forget “Whatsapp University,” where we are receiving unchecked, forwarded messages on how to protect ourselves, or well-meaning “advice” on what to do in the face of the outbreak. All of which does nothing but makes us hyper vigilant, alarmed, distressed, and creates a self-perpetuating cycle of what we want to believe and hear, and further interpret it to confirm our fears and concerns, which becomes so threatening.

When fear hits a crescendo, it interferes with our ability to take rational, well-informed decisions, and also our objective perception of risk. The Covid-19 is still being understood, our knowledge of the disease is limited, and the fact that there is no cure yet for it makes it a catastrophic occurrence. And humans, who are blessed with the power to think, are also inherently known to react poorly to uncertainty, unpredictability, chaos, and lack of control.

The Covid-19 has brought out the demons in our heads.

We don’t know how to deal with this unknown menace. It is wreaking havoc on our bodies (to those affected) but more on the minds of the billions who are afraid they may contract it even though they may not be at risk. I say the “mind” deliberately, because the mind churns out thoughts such as, “What if…” and other catastrophizing thoughts.

One starts seeing unusual behaviors such as panic buying months’ worth of essential supplies and of non-essential medical supplies. While preparedness is good, going to this extreme points to how individualistic we as a race are becoming, where collective support and universality as values are becoming extinct. Have we ever thought how frontline healthcare workers may be in short supply of what they might need (masks, gloves, respirators, hand sanitizers) to actually save lives because a bunch of us are preparing for an apocalypse which may never happen?

The fear and anxiety are spreading faster than the virus and it is this contagion that we must curtail.

How many of us actually go through data about the virus and the illness that is credible, factual, and balanced? We will take what we are fed and media these days mostly feeds on our fears. We are adept at spotting and believing misinformation online, partly because we don’t take the time to read through and understand things completely, or will not take the effort to fact check.

Add to that the wonderful role our memory plays on us. It goads us to register and remember what we read repeatedly, and also that which validates our pre-existing beliefs, and which elicit strong emotions in us, again, mostly fear and panic. If we fed on happiness through what we read, my career as a psychologist would be in jeopardy.  Uncertainty also leaves room for false claims which find their way to us through “well-meaning” words of advice and caution.

Fear drives us to believe in our stereotypes and attack the “perpetrators.” Since the outbreak originated in China, anti-Asian sentiments have been on the rise with innocent individuals being attacked and vilified against just because they are from a particular region. When we react out of strong emotion, we are known to make impulsive, irrational decisions. Our prejudices, assumptions, and stereotypes further get amplified in an outbreak such as this. I recently overheard someone not wanting to go to an Italian restaurant (in Delhi) because well, we know why. The resort where I am currently staying has imposed a ban on meat products and eggs because isn’t that where the virus is spreading through? I’m glad I am a vegan in addition to being a social distancer 😉

So what do we do now amidst this panic?

How do we maintain our sense of calm and equanimity, and most importantly sound judgment?

We need to gain some sense of control over our choices and life in the face of something as unpredictable and uncontrollable as the corona virus.

An oxymoron, you might say? How can we gain control over something uncontrollable? 

You cannot control every single risk that comes your way and yet lead a meaningful, productive, reasonable life at the same time.  How do we know which person to avoid and which not to, where to go and where not to? Who to let into our homes and who not to? Widespread, unrealistic avoidance and disconnect from the outside world is not compatible with purposeful survival.

But there is a way.

Reclaim a sense of control over your fears, contain the spread of panic that is being created by the media and by ill-informed individuals and groups. Stay informed with what is happening by reading credible sources but don’t overdo it. Too much media exposure heightens our sense of anxiety and we know it. Take what you need and let go of the rest. I have seen the power of the media and what it does to the human mind. A few new cases would often come into my office with severe anxiety and mistrust with the people around after being hooked to crime shows for months on end. That is how suggestible we tend to be.

Common sense precautionary measures of course need to be exercised in times like these. These are what you have control over and will reduce the vulnerability you may feel with the illness and its effects looming at the back of your head. Washing your hands with soap and water, self-isolating yourself and monitoring your temperature if you are sick; covering your mouth while coughing; staying away from large gatherings, like concerts, conferences, or marathons; avoiding travel to countries where the spread is extensive are some of the preventive measures you can adopt.

Clients of mine who have pre-existing mental health conditions (particularly health anxiety, hypochondriasis, obsessive-compulsive disorder) I would understand if your anxiety is on the rise and you may experience symptoms after a remission even. Common psychological and behavioral responses include distress reactions such as feeling nervous and tense, having a decreased perception of safety, insomnia or disruptions in sleep, anger, scapegoating, and increased consultations with health care professionals due to fears of illness. You may not feel like working, have difficulty concentrating, feel restless or edgy, restrict activities that bring you happiness and meaning, and may feel you are having more conflicts with loved ones at home. Please feel free to reach out to someone you trust, who can help you calm down, and who would listen to you with empathy and nonjudgmentally. You know I am there if such a situation arises. Some of you may actually rise up to the challenge and may improve in your functioning to face the challenge life brings you, or to be there for others in need.

But for all of us, a few simple measures to maintain our sense of peace, calm, equanimity, and sound decision making is all we need:

a. Stay prepared in the event of the outbreak spreading. What do we do as a family and as a responsible professional to prepare ourselves? Preparedness is different from being paranoid, from hoarding. In my case, it is to talk to my octogenarian doctor dad to limit his work at the hospital in case there is a confirmed case there, which there isn’t. But till then, I cannot curtail him from doing his call of duty.
I had zero cancelations of clients till I left for my retreat. I acknowledged if they would not like to shake hands and I would greet them with a customary, warm hello, would receive them at the reception so that they don’t have to manage opening doors, would wipe down armrests of the chairs, and have a hand sanitizer out on my desk. And most importantly, I would ensure that I was healthy and well to not put others at risk. How do I know they were OK? Well, there is something known as trust and operating from a space of calm and not being obsessed with the worst case scenario.

b. The quality of our thoughts are important. We feel and act based on what we think. So work through your worry-induced thoughts that are catastrophizing and are of the tone of “What if this happens, then what…?” What are the chances that your earlier “what if” thoughts came alive?

c. Maintain a general sense of well-being: Get sound, restful sleep, eat regular, nutritious meals, and exercise.

d. Cope well: Limit the use of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs to self-medicate.

e. Practicing calming strategies such as mindfulness, meditation, movement based exercise, diaphragmatic breathing, and techniques such as progressive muscular relaxation.

f. Like I mentioned earlier and I will reinforce, take everyday preventive measures (frequent handwashing, cough etiquette, for those who bite nails, now is the time to stop)

g. And if you are social distancing, spend time with your loved ones. Turn off the TV, put away your phones and connect in conversations, in playing board games, or actual sport such as badminton, or throwing hoops, or playing hopscotch, or going for runs, or whatever it is that will rekindle that connection in our otherwise busy, frenzied world.

h. Spend time with yourself.

And most importantly, in these trying times, spread love, not fear!

To Gargi, With Love...

I had re-visited my alma mater, Gargi College, many times since I graduated from the 1996 batch of the undergraduate Psychology batch. But this time was different.

I had been invited to address the students, faculty, and non-academic staff; and the interactive session was on “Developing Compassion in Dealing with Trauma.” But this was no “guest lecture” from an alumna who was now a practising psychologist.

As I walked into the large auditorium, I chose to not stand behind the podium on the large stage, but be on the floor with the gathering; standing in solidarity with them. The auditorium was packed and after my introduction was made, I said as much to them as to myself, “If not now, then when?”

I had to be here doing my bit to help the college move on from the nightmarish incident that had shaken up the entire college on 6th Feb, the day the college celebrated “Reverie,” their annual cultural festival. A large group of men had barged onto the campus grounds and had sexually molested, assaulted, and groped the students at my all-girls college. It hadn’t even hit the news that night when students from Izhaar, the Psychology Department’s Mental Health initiative, who had been the first responders, called me on how they could help the girls who were reaching out to them after having witnessed or experienced the assault.

I couldn’t not help.

Again, if not now, then when? Now, of all times, was the moment to offer support to the Gargi College community to wade through the barrage of emotions that hit everyone in the face of sexual assault. Whether they had experienced it personally, were witness to it, or had been hearing accounts of it which affected them to the core, the time was now to focus on healing. And it was heartening to see that the college took proactive steps to start the process, once the initial onslaught of emotions started settling down.

A traumatic incident such as this can rear its ugliest head when you’re least expecting it. It comes out of nowhere and sweeps the rug from beneath your feet. It leaves you feeling shocked and in disbelief, often in denial, and then feeling unsafe, violated, angry, confused, bitter, sad, hopeless, helpless, guilty, shameful, anxious, stressed, suicidal and so on. This one trauma can bring on so many emotions, in waves and cycles, that it just overwhelms every person involved.

So what did I do? What could I do?

First things first, I told them I was not there to lecture them but to interact with them and hear from them on how I could help each of them heal and move on. I spoke about how trauma manifests psychologically and physically and the role of compassion in the journey of healing.

There’s an old Japanese saying that as a companion is to travel, so is compassion to life. Compassion is a handy companion to have at all times, but especially in the aftermath of the trauma, for ourselves and for others. Most of the time we find ourselves in the loop of discontentment, dissatisfaction (with ourselves and our world), self-loathing, being overly critical, and angry. Angry at the injustice, and the system. Just angry. 

Let me talk about that for a bit.

Anger…such a misunderstood emotion. We fear it, we run away from it, we avoid it, we suppress it. When all that is needed is for us to embrace it. To treat it with love and compassion. Why, you may ask, when it is such a “negative” emotion. Every emotion has its space, has a reason, must be faced and expressed, must be channelized well, and must be worked through. No emotion is negative or positive. We label and judge our emotions when, in fact, all that is needed is for us to make space for them.

Because, beneath anger we may find fear, hurt, mistrust, sadness, anxiety, frustration, a grave feeling of being subjected to injustice. And suddenly, anger is neither a wasteful emotion nor a negative one, but instead it becomes the gateway to understand ourselves inside out. It allows us to make space for all these emotions and work through them.

Healing thus begins with compassion, all-embracing even of an emotion like anger. As I spoke about strategies to help heal, I knew I would be just scratching the surface of beginning that journey.

Healing, after all, is such a personal journey. It needs to be customized to every individual. But if there was one thing I wanted these students and staff to take away on the day, it was that they needed to find it within themselves to prioritize their own selves, to process their emotions, to move forward with a resolve to make things better for themselves, for others around them, and to take proactive, constructive steps on how to get systems in place in their environment and within their internal selves to be able to deal with the psychological trauma and any stress that might surface thereon.

So, compassion again. And empathy. To be able to step into the other person’s shoes and to be able to see what they say, hear what they heard, feel what they felt. With gentleness, calmness, peace, openness, and in a non-judgmental way. To be there by their side, to listen with an open heart and mind, and to sit next to them as they went through their journey of finding their way back. To keep their own emotions aside for the time being to be present for the ones in dire need. But also to come back and centre themselves, to regain your own state of equanimity.

I urged everyone to be there for whoever came to them for help. To clear their calendar, silent their phones, ensure privacy and safety, and listen to what they had to share. And to ask how they could help. It takes a lot for a person who has undergone a trauma to come up and speak their heart out. So they deserve that unreserved attention, that patient hearing, often without the urge to “fix” or “say something” that would “help” them. Sometimes, all they want is to be heard, to feel your authentic presence and being, and just a simple, compassionate response from you: “Thank you for trusting me and sharing your innermost world with me. How can I help you?”

After I had gone over the key strategies, I had kept 15 minutes to answer any questions and concerns the gathering may have. Perhaps they already knew it, perhaps they had internalized from what I had said. In any case, realizing that the issue was sensitive, the students made a suggestion that they could write their questions anonymously on pieces of paper and I could address them with the gathering.

I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to leave in 25 minutes to see my next client at the clinic. But I also knew I needed to be there for Gargi, however long it took.

The pieces of paper started trickling in and I would read a question aloud and address the students present there.

Each question tugged painfully at my heart. But I knew before the questions even came to me that prior childhood sexual abuse memories would have been reignited in the aftermath of the incident in the college. And I was unfortunately right.

Here are some of the questions (paraphrased) that came my way:

“I experienced sexual assault ___ years ago. Why are memories of that assault suddenly coming back after the college incident?”

“I was sexually assaulted in school and I didn’t comprehend what happened to me then. Given what’s happened in college a lot of things are triggering me. How can I heal from it?”

“A relative is troubling me and I can’t tell my parents about it. What can I do to deal with it?

“Hearing all these stories about sexual harassment and physical abuse is causing me trauma? How can I deal with my own emotions while being there for them as well?”

“Someone harassed me and I fought back and he is still following me. How do I manage the situation? How do I control the fear and anxiety that builds up?”

“Ever since the festival, I find it difficult to be in crowded places. A sense of fear creeps in. How will that go away?”

“How can I tell my parents about the sexual abuse I went through when I was young? What if they don’t believe me?”

“Should we forgive and move on?”

“How can we let go of our anger?”

There were no easy questions, not one. I had to navigate through them sensitively, dealing with the trauma of prior sexual abuse incidents and the memories it invoked.

We can’t go back and change an incident but we can certainly move past it and build ourselves up. It’s what we owe ourselves: to be healthy, resilient individuals who don’t live in the shadows of their past. Who also take action against the perpetrator by calling the abuse out so that their threats and intimidations don’t make them back down and suffer repeated abuse.

Processing emotions is easier said than done. So we spoke about understanding their emotions, their anger, the context, and working their way through it. We spoke about channelizing their energies to have a constructive dialogue on how to make their campus safe, on what they learnt from the incident and how they could move on, in making themselves stronger individuals, with a stronger support network, and figuring out proactive ways in addressing the loopholes and gaps that were found.

By this time, I was already 30 minutes late for my session back at the clinic (and I am usually very punctual). But I didn’t want to leave till every concern, every question was answered. Till the angst within the students was put to rest, or at least doused a bit. Till I didn’t stoke a fire in the belly to focus on prioritizing their healing compassionately, for themselves and collectively too. Whether it is healing from their past traumas that resurfaced because of the incident, or in wanting to function at their best, optimal selves. I didn’t want to leave till I felt I had given my best in extending a helping hand.

“I am there for you, and I will be here, whenever you call me, this much I promise,” I said, as I thanked everyone who came by for reposing their trust in me.

I hope they felt better, because I have seen the power of opening up our hearts, of trusting, of finding the courage to feel safe, of sharing, of letting go of whatever holds us back. I guess what I am saying is, I can potentially help you, but more importantly, you can help you.