Divorce as an Act of Love: When Letting Go Means Truly Loving Someone

Divorce. The word itself is heavy, often whispered in hushed tones, as if saying it too loudly might make it more real. The stigma associated with it makes it even more tough to talk about. Society tells us it’s a failure, a scarlet letter that marks you as someone who couldn’t make it work. And for most of us, it’s a word tangled up with pain, a let-down, and heartbreak—a tragic end to the dream of “forever.”

But what if we saw divorce differently? What if, instead of labelling it as the ultimate proof that love is dead, we recognized it as something brave, selfless, and yes, even loving? What if we didn’t see divorce as a failure—but as a choice. It’s a choice to prioritize happiness, respect, and love, even if that means walking away from the life you once planned.

“Oh, but that sounds so selfish.”
”Aaj kal ki generation, they just don’t want to do the hard work.”
“If nothing was so wrong, then why did you part ways?”
“You guys still hang out together, so why not just get back?”

I guess no answer will satisfy the well-intentioned friends and family out there.

Because marriage is meant to be forever, you push through it, you work hard, you sacrifice, you give up on yourself bit by bit, because that’s what you are supposed to do. You are supposed to make it work. How do you tell them that sometimes, divorce isn’t about not wanting to be together. It isn’t about betrayal or irreconcilable differences. Sometimes, it’s about a love so deep, so selfless, that you’re willing to let someone go so they can find their happiness—even if it’s not with you.

“Huh?” I am met with some confused looks when I say something like this

“But what about companionship?” they ask. There is no way out of this, I think.

Love Doesn’t Always Mean Holding On

Love is complicated. It’s messy, layered, and doesn’t always fit neatly into the picture-perfect storylines we grew up believing in. There’s this idea that true love conquers all, that if two people care enough, they can always make it work. But what happens when love shifts, when the people in the marriage grow in different directions, for whatever reason personal to them? What happens when staying together means one—or both—partners must shrink themselves to fit into a relationship that no longer feels like home? They may feel stifled or suffocated, yet deeply caring for the other, and it’s a push and pull between choosing your own self, yearning for peace and joy; and being there for someone who may want something else in life.

Imagine this: you’ve built a life with someone, someone you’ve loved deeply and shared dreams with. But over time, one of you realizes your heart is being pulled in a different direction—not necessarily toward another person, but toward a different way of living. Maybe they want to travel the world while you crave roots. Maybe their dreams have evolved, and they’re yearning for something you no longer share. Or maybe you’re the one who’s changed.

If you truly love someone, what do you do? Do you hold on tight, asking them to sacrifice their happiness to keep the marriage intact? Or do you let go, even though it breaks your heart, because you want them to live the life they were meant to live?

Sometimes, letting go is the most profound act of love there is. It says, “I see you. I honor who you are and what you need, even if that takes you away from me.”

The Courage to Choose Happiness

I remember a conversation I once had with a friend who was going through a divorce. She told me, “I don’t hate him. I don’t even dislike him. He is my best friend. I love him so much that I know I have to let him go. He’s not happy here, and I want him to be happy—even if that means I’m not a part of his happiness anymore.”

Her words stuck with me because they were so different from the stories we often hear about divorce. There was no bitterness, no acts of vengeance, no screaming matches or blame. There was just love—love in its rawest, most vulnerable form. And the sweet pain of having to let go of a life you shared for decades.

For many couples, this realization comes slowly, like a sunrise that lights up the truth little by little. You start to notice the small cracks—not in your love, but in the way your lives fit together. Conversations feel strained. Dreams once shared now feel foreign. And yet, the love remains, which makes the decision to part ways even harder. But when you love someone, isn’t their happiness worth everything? Even if it costs you the life you thought you’d have together?

And let’s be honest: staying in a marriage where both partners are unhappy doesn’t make you stronger or braver. It just prolongs the pain. Choosing divorce, especially when love is still present, takes immense courage. It requires you to face your fears, your grief, and the unknown, all while holding space for the love and memories you shared.

Conscious Uncoupling: A New Way to Say Goodbye

The idea of conscious uncoupling has been met with skepticism, often dismissed as a celebrity buzzword. But when you look at it closely, it’s not about sugarcoating divorce—it’s about choosing to end a marriage with kindness and care. It’s about saying, “We may not work as partners anymore, but we can still cherish the love we shared.”

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. It doesn’t have to be a battlefield where lawyers, grudges, and heartbreak destroy everything good that once existed. Conscious uncoupling gives couples a way to part with dignity, focusing on healing and preserving respect rather than tearing each other down.

For couples with children, it’s about showing their kids that love doesn’t have to end just because the marriage does. It’s about teaching them that relationships evolve, and even in endings, there can be grace and compassion. It’s a way of saying, “We may not be together anymore, but we will always be a team when it comes to you.”

When Divorce Is a Gift

It may sound strange to think of divorce as a gift, but sometimes it truly is. It’s a gift of freedom—not just for the person who wants something different, but for both people. Staying in a marriage that no longer fits doesn’t just hurt the one who feels restless; it hurts the one who clings, too. Resentment grows. Arguments bubble up over the smallest things. The love that’s still there gets buried under frustration, disappointment, and unmet expectations.

But when you choose to let go, when you choose to honor what you both need instead of staying out of fear or obligation, you open the door to something better. Maybe it’s the chance to rediscover yourself—to remember who you were before the marriage and explore who you’re becoming. To discover the strength you have within to navigate the new life looming ahead, or to finally let go of fears of abandonment for your own growth. Maybe it’s the chance to build a friendship with your ex, one that feels healthier and more fulfilling than your marriage ever did.

For some, divorce is a chance to finally breathe again. For others, it’s a chance to chase dreams they’d put on hold. And for many, it’s a way to show their partner just how deeply they care—enough to say, “I love you so much that I want you to be free.”

Love Isn’t Measured by Forever

We’ve been taught to measure love by how long it lasts. But love isn’t about duration—it’s about depth. It’s about the moments, the memories, and the ways you grow together, even if your paths eventually diverge. And maybe the paths are on parallel tracks, meeting briefly at some points to fulfil promises once made, of traveling to bucket list places together, to build the treasure trove of memories as friends. When we let go of the idea that love must last forever to be real, we open ourselves to the possibility of loving more freely, more deeply, and more authentically. We allow ourselves to honor the love that was, even as we embrace the new possibilities that lie ahead.

Divorce doesn’t erase the love that was there. It doesn’t negate the years you spent together or the joy you brought into each other’s lives. It simply means that the chapter you shared has come to an end, and it’s time to turn the page.

The Loving Choice

In no way am I suggesting an easy way out, that we don’t fight for a relationship if we truly have our roots and are anchored deeply in it. A relationship marred by situational yet resolvable conflicts, or ineffective communication is worth saving, if both partners are invested and they are willing to weather the storm only to come out to a promising new day on the other side. As long as there is a strong foundation to the relationship, complete with trust and commitment. A relationship must not just survive but thrive, where you continue to be the wind beneath each other’s wings, and where love grows beautifully as the years go by. It may show up in different ways, but it definitely is there. So if both can move through the years together, having each other’s back, supporting each other through thick and thin, making space for flaws, imperfections, annoyance, and idiosyncrasies, then it’s definitely worth fighting for, because the comfort, companionship, sharing, and the way you flourish together brings a joy like no other.

Divorce isn’t easy. It’s messy, painful, and often heartbreaking. But it can also be beautiful if you choose to approach it that way. It can be a testament to the love that was, a decision made with care and compassion. It can be a way to say, “I love you enough to let you go, because your happiness matters to me more than holding on.” And while you take care of your own wounds, you are content with the fact that there is only love, for yourself, and your partner, which will make healing a lot more easier.

So, if you find yourself standing at this crossroads, know that choosing divorce doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It doesn’t mean the love you shared wasn’t real or was short-lived. It simply means you’re choosing to honor yourself and your partner in a way that prioritizes happiness, respect, and growth. And that, in its own way, is the purest act of love there is.

Embracing Impermanence: When You Love with an Open Heart

Every year, as January approaches, I catch myself in a reflective, introspective mood. What was the year like, what did I learn, what did I lose, what am I grateful for, what could I look forward to as the new year rolls by? I watch Buddy, sleeping next to me, occasionally opening his eyes and pawing me to gently stroke his neck.  I smile, overwhelmed with gratitude for how he has been my constant companion this past year, probably another one of those “bone crushing” tough years. A slightly poignant but realistic thought fleeted through my mind. “Loving someone with all my heart knowing they may or will leave has been one of the toughest lessons.”

Over the years, as the heart learnt to love deeply and to bear loss even more gravely, I realized that love is, at its core, an act of bravery. To love is to open ourselves to the possibility of joy, connection, and vulnerability—knowing, deep down, that nothing in life is permanent. Relationships evolve, moments fade, and even the most profound bonds can shift or end. Yet, it’s precisely this impermanence that makes love so powerful and transformative. When we love with the awareness that all things are fleeting, we experience life in its rawest, most beautiful form. I am beginning to make way for this realization as life continues to reveal itself to me.

And so, this understanding can be both heartbreaking and liberating, and it is within this tense push and pull—between holding on and letting go—that we discover some of life’s most poignant lessons. Here’s my attempt to bring those to the fore, which will help me make informed choices and navigate challenges moving forward:

The Courage to Let Go:
We often love with the hope that it will last forever, tethering our hearts to the idea of permanence. But life rarely abides by such wishes. When we embrace ephemerality, we learn that love doesn’t need to be bound to eternity to be meaningful. Instead, it teaches us:

— To let go gracefully and to find strength in vulnerability: Impermanence is not an invitation to detach ourselves from love, and appear unapproachable or guarded, but a call to release our grip on what we cannot control. It’s about loosening the chains of fear that make us cling so desperately to what we hold dear, knowing that one day we will be faced with loss, and we will need to brace for it. Knowing that everything is fleeting makes the act of loving even braver.

It’s a choice to keep the heart open, to risk the pain of loss for the beauty of connection, even if it is short lived. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on without care. It means loving fiercely in the now, even as we prepare to release when the time comes. When my mother fell ill in 2018 she would keep telling me to not be so attached to her because she worried that I would be devastated at her passing. I was. And while my heart ached in her physical absence, I soon saw merit in the lesson she was trying to teach me. Because more loss was going to come my way.

Gratitude in the Moment:
The fragility of love, its transience, teaches us to treasure what we have while we have it. Each moment becomes a gift that you savor, each interaction a miracle & a beautiful memory. This awareness fosters gratitude, not just as a passing sentiment but as a way of being:

— For the ordinary moments: A movie with Dad, the laughter of a friend over coffee, or Buddy coming by to greet me at the door everyday when I return from work—all are so precious to me because I know they will not last forever. When we stop expecting permanence, we begin to see the sacredness of even the briefest connection—a shared smile, a kind word, a warm touch.

— For love itself: Even relationships that end or falter leave behind echoes of beauty and lessons that shape us. There’s a certain tenderness in knowing that every “I love you,” every goodbye, every shared glance, carries a weight that is magnified by its impermanence. We celebrate every stage of love, whether it’s the heady rush of new romance, the quiet comfort of companionship, or the bittersweet process of parting ways, each phase holds its own beauty. This is all I can say about this for now, but maybe I will write a book on this one day 😊

This gratitude transforms how we live. It invites us to soak in it, to notice, and to truly be present, knowing that each moment is irreplaceable.

The Pain and Power of Loss:
When you love, you will lose. It’s a truth that can feel unbearable and we may not be ready to face it yet. Whether it’s the end of a relationship, the passing of a loved one, or the natural drifting apart that time brings. Loss cuts deeply. But impermanence also shows us that:

— Grief is a measure of love: The pain of losing someone is a reflection of how deeply they touched our lives. This pain, while heavy, is a testament to the beauty of what we shared. And it’s upto us to carry it forever in our heart.

— Endings do not erase beginnings: The fact that something ends doesn’t negate its existence or its impact. The love we give and receive stays with us, even as the form of the relationship changes.

— We can endure: Each loss teaches us that we are stronger than we imagined, capable of rebuilding, and, ultimately, of loving again. While it may not be as easy as I am making it sound, and one is faced with sadness, doubt, anxiety, grief, anger, and an array of emotions, but if we choose to be resilient, we will find love again, for ourselves, and for someone else.

Growth Through Transience:
While impermanence reminds us that everything changes, it also reveals a paradox: the impact of love is eternal. The people we love, the moments we share, the lessons we learn—these things become part of us, shaping our souls in ways that time cannot erase. One of the biggest lessons I seem to be teaching people is to make space for uncertainty, unpredictability, and to drop the struggle of trying to control what is beyond our reach. Love falls within this realm too, because we are acutely aware that there will be a time when we will need to embrace the potential loss of it as well. This acceptance fosters:

— Resilience & Wisdom: Life’s challenges and changes may bend us, but they don’t break us. We bounce right back. Each ending becomes a beginning, each loss a lesson. The lessons lead us to discoveries where over time, we learn that impermanence is not a curse but a gift, one that teaches us what truly matters.

— Self-discovery: In the spaces where love fades or shifts, we find ourselves—our strength, our capacity for compassion, and our ability to start anew. This growth in no way erases the pain of impermanence but shifts something else within us, shaping us into who we are, resolute, brave and determined.

— Embracing change with tenderness: When love transforms—when a partner grows into a friend or a child becomes an adult—we can honor the evolution instead of mourning what was. The impermanence of love doesn’t diminish its value; it amplifies it, reminding us to be fully present for the time we are given…

It’s a cold December morning as I finish writing this piece. Buddy is eyeing the couch I am sitting on, one which he has laid claim on for the past few months. He nudges me, with a toy in his mouth, asking me to play with him, a moment that lasts for a few minutes before he comfortably flops himself at my feet, with his heart feeling content, having engaged with his human. I smile, as I start to set my laptop aside to pay attention to him…But wait, before I go, here’s one more thing I wanted to say to you:

Loving with the awareness of impermanence is not about holding back—it’s about diving in fully, knowing that it is this very impermanence that makes it so achingly, heartbreakingly, and breathtakingly beautiful.  So, let us love fiercely, tenderly, and completely, for in embracing impermanence, we finally learn what it means to truly love, leading us to a self-discovery that has been uncharted thus far.