My life philosophy is simple. I don’t like holding onto pain, people, the past, resentments, anger, or whatever else that doesn’t serve me. I would rather focus on keeping myself happy, sane, and afloat so that there is at least one more person in this world who would like to make it a better place for others to live in. You may think that sounds a tad bit selfish, but I focus on self-love as a way of honoring the sacred within.
Increasingly, I ask clients in session, “What is your relationship with the concept and the act of letting go?”
“Oh, of course I find it very difficult. I can’t let go easily.”
You may be wondering, “Can’t let go of what?” Here’s the list that have made it to the four walls of my office where people speak their heart out:
Pain, hurt, people, past, anger, resentments, self-limiting beliefs, expectations from others, negative incidents, failing relationships, power games, insecurities, inner self-deprecating critic, self-punitive thoughts, the need to change others, worries about the future, the “perfect” life, controlling others, whatever else holds us down including being stuck in toxic relationships, where we don’t find our voices strong enough to scream that we need to let go, that we need to be let go of. Damn that gaslighting effect, it’s time to break free.
We are constantly shifting. I won’t say “changing.” Shifting seems so much more real. As you go through the process of shifting, you may realize that you are not the same person you used to be; the things that you could tolerate earlier now seem intolerable; you pick your battles wisely and remain quiet where once you fought and argued and realized it was pointless; silence is a more powerful weapon at times; where when you remained quiet earlier, you now speak your truth, because the inauthentic just seems unbearable; you begin to value yourself, your beliefs, your voice more and you walk away from situations that no longer deserve your time, energy, or focus, because you can’t be stuck in quicksand anymore. You have to move on, you have to honor yourself, honor the concept of shifting time and moments, and you recalibrate your life constantly with what each new moment brings.
And yet, many of us choose to hold onto the past, we choose to remain stuck and forget that holding on will come in the way of creating a strong sense of self--a sense that isn’t defined by our bygone past, but by who we choose to become.
We use pain and suffering to victimize ourselves, to hold people to ransom that if they didn’t behave a certain way, we would continue to self-inflict ourselves with suffering even more so that their guilt is triggered and we get what we want. But all we get is more silence, sometimes anger, more compassion perhaps, and yet more distance from the one we want. How I wish we would exercise more self-respect and move away to uphold ourselves, to shine light on our strong selves that do not need such desperate attempts at drawing attention.
Holding onto pain doesn’t fix anything; replaying the past in a loop doesn’t change what happened, trying to bring people back when they have moved on isn’t really going to get us anywhere because people aren’t in our control, only our own selves are. And shouldn’t we focus on what would make it better for us?
Why do we find ourselves chained in self-limiting beliefs when the key to that lock is truly in our own hands?
“I will never be enough just by myself.” “I am so lonely.” “That emotional void, Divya, you know, it just tears me apart.” “I need him/her to change for me to be happy.” “I am such a loser.” “I am so weak.” “I am good for nothing.”
You get the drift…
Personally, the past two years have been a test for me. For those of you who have been or are my current clients, you may never have sensed the inner strife I go through in my own life. Every morning, my sole purpose is to make sure I give my best to the people I work with, so that their life situations are better through the work we do together.
There are some beliefs and some more life philosophies that help me every day. I may falter and fall but I do invariably get up, and I move onwards and upwards. I hope these may be useful to you too.
My relationship with time: I can’t change the past and holding onto it will only bring regret, and I can’t control the future because that will only bring worry and anxiety. I choose to live each moment at a time, with peace and equanimity. Yet, I would like to learn from what the past taught me so that I don’t make the same mistakes again. But I know, when you love deeply, and empathy is at your core, you will get hurt time and again. But hey, I am still shifting :)
There are no guarantees in life: You have heard me say this before. Life is chaotic, often beyond our control, and unpredictable, so go with the flow. I can plan, but that plan may totally be thrown out of the window. I may think relationships will be a certain way and all will be well in my world, but we don’t realize that the other person is not in our control, only I am in control of myself. So why even struggle with what we can’t change in our external world? Why do we base our happiness on outcomes we expect from other people? But mostly we are reeling under the weight of failed, unmet expectations that lead to disappointment. When our expectations or needs aren’t met, we need to respond objectively, rationally, and appropriately. So we either set respectful boundaries or we just let go. Why not make life beautiful irrespective, with just who we are and realign our goals and our own trajectory?
I gently silent that inner critic that often pulls me down: Being good to myself is the first place to begin. If it means being assertive, focusing on environments where I can thrive, walking away from toxicity after repeated attempts to fix it, directing my energy on what would nurture my soul, which often means working through the self-limiting beliefs, I would choose that path. This, I know, is in my control. Let me ask you this: Think of one person you really cherish and value. Just bring that person to your mind’s eye. Could be family, a friend, a public figure, a spiritual leader. Now imagine that person is residing within you. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions affect that person you really cherish and love. Would you continue to engage in those thoughts, feelings and actions? You’d probably say no. Then why don’t we do that to ourselves? Why don’t we value who we are?
I am not perfect: I make mistakes, and it’s OK. I will not beat myself over it. I will learn and let go.
Acceptance of situations and people I can’t change: I will not agonize over what went wrong, I will not live a life with regrets. If I messed up, I will take full responsibility graciously, and make amends, but I will also willfully disengage from people and situations that take me away from my Self because of how they relate to me, be it through manipulation, aggression, neglect, or whatever else may be the reason. I may not be able to do that physically, but I will create that emotional distance so that I can preserve myself with integrity and not in a guarded, fearful way. I need to have my own back, and I won’t let anything bring me down. It’s simple, really.
Don’t take life and yourself so seriously: I humor myself sometimes and become comfortable with the realization that I am unimportant and insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. Have you been to the mountains in Ladakh? When I saw the Milky Way in all its glory and the mountains standing tall, I realized how large the cosmos was, and I was just a speck. Helped me become grounded for sure.
Nudge that comfort zone: We often fear letting go because we fear the unknown. “What if I never find a companion again, if I let go of this one?” “What if I make a mistake?” We limit the possibilities that may exist for us by staying within that comfort zone. Take your fears head on, walk on the path less traveled, take that leap of faith, throw caution to the wind, and even if you fall, at least you have faith in the fact that you tried, you tried to test your potential, you tried to not stay stuck because you gave in to your fears. And if nothing else, you would have learnt the value of failure and loss and how important those are for your growth.
Have clear intentions and express yourself: I often feel that finding my voice even in conflict situations which may seem unpleasant, speaking up in a clear, concise, rational way and on what works or doesn’t work for me helps the interactions I have with people. Bottling up emotions for fear of hurting, rejection, abandonment may stifle us more and tends to create unwanted blocks. Being open and honest may make me feel vulnerable but I see that as a strength and I would rather people know me and I know them so that we can make informed decisions about each other. Letting go comes easier from a space of objectivity and not just from an emotional space.
Make space for every emotion: “I am so afraid of being hurt that I always have a wall around me.” “I should not be feeling sad/anxious/______(put any label for a “negative” emotion). I have lost count of how many times I have heard all this. And then I go about explaining how I call no emotion “negative.” Every emotion is there for a reason and has some space in our lives. Whether we lose a loved one to death or a break-up, it’s important to honor our loss, however difficult the experience may be. Trying to ignore the expressed emotion by suppressing it and pretending to be alright may actually extend our suffering. Being busy or being “positive” may just be quick fixes and so it’s important to let ourselves feel, to go through the grief process, to not remain stuck, and to keep moving forward.
Practice forgiveness: I have written extensively about forgiveness previously too. Beats me on why this came up again but probably because I see it affecting so many people. Holding onto resentment and anger keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from “shifting” or moving forward with our life. If holding on isn’t helping, then why not let it go and honor the being that you are?
Situations happen to us, they may also break us within, but I choose to not let them define me or blame them for what it did to me. I am what I choose to become. And I will say this again, if there is anything that holds me back and is preventing me from tapping into my own potential, or which isn’t helping me in the here and now, I choose to let it go and liberate myself.
I am not what people say I am, I am not my past, my future, my emotions, the pain. I choose to be the strong self that emerges from engaging in a belief system that upholds me and has me be the resilient person who can fight back from whatever adversity life brings, without blaming it on the external circumstances which only would endorse the victim mode. I am not a big fan of feeling helpless and would rather take charge.
Embracing every emotion, rolling with the punches, being able to let go has made me soar unfettered. And in those moments when I have felt low or beaten down, I just have to remind myself that I have the power to change the course of the ship that I am traveling on because the sails are in my control, however turbulent the sea may be.
Let go, from your heart, and with authenticity rather than an ego play, and see the magic happen.