anxiety

My Experiences With Inner Child Healing.

I’ve often shared my journey of life through my writings. Well aware of the fact that it is in the public domain, I will have potential clients who would read about my psychotherapeutic clinical approach, and also my ability to be resilient, my strengths and the lens with which I view the world. And they will also get a glimpse of my vulnerabilities, my grief, the pain and anguish I have gone through, only to rise yet again. I am proud of my battle scars. And if I wouldn’t have had them, my perspective on life may not have been this rich, this deep, or this expansive. I feel it makes me more empathetic, more compassionate, and more connected to the people I work with. And in case I experience any obstacle in establishing an effective therapeutic relationship with a client, I attempt to resolve those as well. People should know who they are trusting their inner lives with, and choose whether they want to work with me or not.  

And so, I thought I would share some glimpses of the journey of inner child healing that I delved into, a concept that therapists may touch upon briefly when they work with someone but when I went into it in depth, it opened up a whole new world that was waiting to be discovered.

Have you, as an adult, ever wondered when you react to situations impulsively? Why we fear rejection, or abandonment, or why we react to certain people as if they remind us of someone from our past? Why am I so clingy, so quick to tears, so sensitive to criticism or the slightest feedback which may be constructive even? Why do I feel less than others when I have everything in life that should make me happy? Why do I react with so much anger and irritability to people who remind me of my mother/father who I had a dysfunctional relationship with? Why do I blame everyone on the outside for my misery? Why do I clam up and shut down when I am faced with a specific situation that I always find overwhelming? Why do thoughts of “I am not good enough?” “I am not worthy enough?” keep popping up and making me doubt myself all the more? The list of such reactions can be endless but you get the drift.

You may be a high functioning adult who is working and is successful, has a family, friends, and is able to cope with most of life’s stressors. But some situations may be sticky, where you react impulsively, which others or you even may think, “This was so childish of me,” and you are perplexed or you find it difficult to understand what makes you react that way, and the cycle perpetuates. Only to flare up again, and again, and again, leaving you more confused, frustrated at times, and even people around you wonder, “what the hell gets into you every time?”

When we are children we develop ways in which we interpret our worlds and the people in them. Our first socializing agents often are our parents and siblings, and then of course teachers and friends. We have rudimentary needs, for safety, belongingness, comfort, love, food, clothing, shelter, appreciation, and we are figuring out ways in which those needs get met, and when they don’t get met, or we undergo a significant trauma in our family of origin, we react in ways which we as children know best. We don’t have the psychological resources to often cope very functionally as we now know, so those reactions could look like shutting down or withdrawing emotionally, blaming, being super quiet, crying, becoming anxious and tense, changing ourselves to please others, being clingy, brooding, being moody, acting out, giving too much or too little of ourselves to safeguard ourselves, manipulating others, giving our power away, lying, playing victim for attention, feeling inferior, feeling unworthy, suppressing emotions which end up showing up as anxiety or depression, and so much more.

Think back to some of these tools you may be using even now as an adult, and reflect on when you started using it first. Did it show up in your years till you turned 20-21? If yes, then your wounded part is still showing up all these years later, waiting to be acknowledged and heard, and eventually healed.

I always thought (outside of donning my psychologist’s hat), “This is how I am, and can’t really change now.” A part of me would wonder why I was like this? We attribute our behaviors to our “personalities,” but then I am talking about behaviors, covert and overt thoughts, feelings, which translate into how we are interacting with our world when under stress or in reaction to triggering situations.

For instance, I would shut down, withdraw, and then bury my head under the sand and hide when I was overwhelmed or distressed. I thought I was doing it to process what I was going through, that it was an attribute of me being resilient, and in a way it was. I would take a few days to find my emotional balance, and then be able to work through the situations. Sometimes it would take weeks, and I realized in the last three years it went into months, after my mother’s passing. And then I realized it was costing me my relationships with friends and even in my relationship with myself. I was growing more disconnected with my own authentic self, and would focus on taking care of others, getting into fixing mode. I didn’t like reacting this way but I didn’t know how to go about changing my patterns. Or why I was this way. Till I decided to dig deep, and what a storehouse of knowledge and realizations emerged, as I went about tracing the history and antecedents of some beliefs, behaviors and reactions.

Inner child work is a bid to reconnect with that unhealed, wounded part of us that remained frozen and suppressed, but kept resurfacing and showing up as dramatic reactions to similar situations that once hurt us, which we may not be aware of, till we shine a torch within, and see what exactly is brewing there.

Think of it this way: we have an argument or a fight with a loved one, which causes us deep anguish. And we reach out to them to talk, resolve, and reach a deeper understanding of how to interact in triggering situations. When we have meaningful, deep conversations, coming from a space of love and healing, there is an easing of the pain, and connecting in a plane that neither of us previously experienced.

The rejoining and forming a heartfelt connection with the lost inner child involves a discovery, a voice within that we never gave ourselves an opportunity to hear before, and which holds the key to the chest that has our unhealed emotional pain. It’s when we get into deep insight oriented inquiry, and get some answers, do we notice a softening and a revelation of our core wounding, that shows up in insidious ways as an adult. There is so much wisdom and healing within us, but we keep seeking comfort and answers outside. And no individual can provide those answers, as much as our own compassionate self-inquiry often supported by facilitation or guidance, patient listening, finding our own answers, realignment of our beliefs, letting go of assumptions, and forgiveness of self and others can.

What did this journey do to me, you may wonder. I started using more functional coping systems such as clear, authentic communication, expressing feelings and needs fearlessly, establishing more effective boundaries with people and ensuring I didn’t get affected by the resistance or the non-compliance with it. There was more self-compassion, centering and grounding myself when emotionally distressed, and reconnecting with loved ones; I let go of self-flagellating beliefs I held onto, and trusted and acted on what my authentic self wanted, rather than what would make me  better liked, or not be judged by. It was liberating, to finally not live in pain and anxiety at a personal level; to live freely and authentically. I started living in the here and now more, started savoring the daily moments more, that had gotten buried under the emotional baggage I was carrying. I prioritized my self-care and stayed with it, I didn’t just focus on fixing people but being with them too, the way they would have liked me to be. And I am still discovering the joy that the healing is continuing to bring as a ripple effect. It trickles down to work and relationships as well, often transforming codependent ones to healthier, wholesome ones.

Some obvious resistances that may come up to inner child work is the fear of the muck that may rise to the surface and finding ourselves unable to cope, and several other reasons that are beyond the scope of this post. But if we can learn to trust the process and not fall prey to our fears, if we can make space for all the thoughts, feelings, and reactions that rise, to focus on authentic healing rather than suppressing, avoiding, and running away from what influenced us when we were a child, we will truly experience meaningful happiness, resilience and freedom. We will not be buffeted under the weight of our own demons when we have healed inside out. Because when we close the loop, we truly, genuinely open up new possibilities that can uplift us to a new plane. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to find ourselves in?

Are You Moving Towards or Away From Your Best Self?

“What choice do I have but to live through this terrible time?” I have often heard, with a sigh of resignation, or even submission perhaps. It is often assumed that if adversity strikes us, especially if it is beyond our control, then we might as well just cave in, and wait for the difficult moment to pass, often plagued with severe bouts of anxiety and depression. The helplessness makes every moment even more heavy, like a burden you want to get rid of but it just clings on, the more you struggle. And so the loop of misery, despair, and a sense of powerlessness continues to dance to the most nerve jangling tunes.

There is an intervention from the therapeutic model of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) called the choice point, credited to Dr. Russ Harris (2017)* which I love because of how it illustrates to someone that however difficult a situation may be, we DO have a choice in how we respond to it every moment. And that could make all the difference in our attempt to attain psychological equilibrium, to not just be functional, but also to be effective and live a life that is worth living.

I like roadmaps, and this is like one of them. Let me tell you how.

You want to visit your dear friend who you haven’t seen in years because she lives in another city. You have always valued this friendship and are now looking forward to seeing her, except she is in a part of town you have never driven to before. So you whip out Google Maps, plug in the address and off you go. In your mindful, attentive state, you keep following directions, making “towards” moves to the chosen destination. But when your mind veers off, or you take a call in the middle of the drive, you miss a turn here and there and end up making “away” moves which takes you away from your desired destination. Yet you persist, through traffic, rain, and masticating cows in the middle of the road, because you are so driven by the goal of meeting your cherished friend. It’s as simple as that.

The choice point is something similar. 😊

I’ll explain using an example of a wonderful woman I have the privilege of working with in therapy. No personal details are mentioned here to protect her identity and maintain confidentiality.

Maya (name changed) has been struggling with severe depression which has impacted her in all major life domains (personally where the self-critical thoughts “I’m not good enough,” “I’m worthless,” feelings of guilt, and lack of self-compassion made her spiral into a low sense of self-worth; interpersonally having withdrawn from friends and prefers being isolated; vocationally being unable to find the motivation to attend important meetings, increased absenteeism, procrastination, and an inability to focus). Her self-care routine had been severely affected, where insomnia struck, coupled with night eating syndrome, making her gain weight and further launching into more self-loathing. Her relationship with her husband and child was severely affected.

When someone is as depressed as Maya, not knowing where and how to begin piecing their lives can be a challenge. The inertia is like quicksand, making you feel like there is no coming up for air. And that’s where it starts with the most basic choices we start exerting.

Let me explain the concept behind the approach before I show you how Maya applied it.

Here’s how it starts. (The script is adapted from Dr. Harris’ work):

Every moment of every day, we are doing things: getting to work, taking care of family, watching Netflix, listening to music, doing some physical activity, engaging in a hobby…that’s what we humans do. We are interacting with life in some way or the other, even if it means wallowing in bed. Some things we do, or would like to do, that make us move towards the optimum life that we would like to lead – being in charge of ourselves, acting efficiently, behaving in accordance with the kind of person we would like to be – those are called “toward” moves.

There will be some things we do which take us away from the kind of person we would like to be, from the kind of life we would like to live, which make us act ineffectively, causing us distress which we may not be aware of, and those are called “away” moves.

When life is going well, things are easy and smooth, and our course is not strewn with obstacles, we get what we want, and it is so straightforward and easy for us to make towards moves. We act adaptively, we treat ourselves and others just right, and we engage in activities and with life that bring about optimal outcomes. But don’t we wish that life was a smooth sail all along? But the reality is, life just isn’t as rosy and easy most of the time, and it doesn’t work in accordance with our wishes and hopes all the time either. So as we go along, we are faced with difficult situations that bring us down, and all sorts of difficult thoughts and feelings arise.

Have you noticed how we get so easily “hooked” to these thoughts and feelings? We latch on to them, we get jerked and pushed around, the mind goes into a tizzy, and we go completely off track which then makes us do more away moves. The things we value doing fade away in the backdrop, and the thoughts and feelings take centre stage. Have you noticed, with those of us who have experienced any form of stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, addictions, that the basis of our distress is getting hooked to these difficult thoughts and feelings and doing away moves?

Choice Point.png

If we are mindful enough or build that self-awareness that we can unhook from these thoughts and feelings we tend to get back on track and lead our lives in a way that we value and cherish. We get back to behaving effectively, of relating to others, of living a life of purpose. And the more we do this, the better we get at living a good life.

And this is where I ask, when you are faced with all these difficult and challenging situations, and are being pulled apart by these sapping thoughts and feelings, you know we have a choice, right? A choice of how we will respond in this given situation. And the choice is between the following two: Would you like to unhook and do more towards moves? Or would you like to continue to feel overwhelmed and helpless, remain hooked and do away moves?

For most of us, who have rarely observed the impact of thoughts on ourselves and know that we can dive into interventions, it is easy to get hooked and as a result do more away moves. But we can develop unhooking skills, we can introspect and do some soul searching and get clarity on what truly matters to us, where our internal compasses point to, where our North star lies. Having this clarity about our lives makes it easier to keep reminding ourselves that we have to make towards moves. It gets easier and we become more hard wired to choose what will serve us better rather than what will take us apart.

And so we dive into skill building in our therapy sessions. We learn to identify our guiding values which motivate our behavior to lead a life we choose for ourselves. We learn unhooking skills that help us respond to difficult thoughts and feelings in an adaptive way, while we also focus on taking charge such as problem solving, action planning, (active) acceptance, surrender, being assertive, being self-compassionate, and whatever else your self-care tool kit needs based on your own unique situation.

You know, right? We have a choice to work situations through, either through trying to change it, or to respond to it by taking charge of what you can, by yourself. The more towards moves we make, the more our life is one of quality, meaning, purpose, and well-being. Happiness extends from all of this organically.

Back to Maya now.

I asked Maya what difficult situations, thoughts, and feelings was she experiencing. Relationship difficulties for the past 12 years were bogging her down. Her husband was dependent on alcohol, he was recently unemployed, and she had to bear responsibility for providing for her family which included her 8-year-old daughter. Her thoughts centred around feelings of hopelessness. “Things will never get better,” “What’s the point of living like this?” “I must be worthless to not receive the love I deserve.” “I am not good enough because I always get a raw deal in life.”

The associated feelings were of despair, sadness, crippling anxiety, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and helplessness. Which further led to “I don’t feel like doing anything.” “I don’t have the energy or the motivation to do something worthwhile.” The downward spiral continued.

The “away” moves were dancing to a nice tune: Absenteeism from work, emotional eating and binge drinking, demotivated to take care of her child, neglect of grooming, lying in bed all day, long tearful spells that often lasted for days.

We worked on discovering what truly mattered to Maya, what she deeply cared for in her heart. What kind of a person did she want to be? Who were the important people in her life and how did she want to relate to them? What strengths did she want to develop? What obstacles did she want to work through? What excited her about life? What did she want to do with the remaining time she had of her existence? Questions like these truly bring on some deep soul-searching.

She spoke about wanting to become better at managing her own emotions, of dealing with crises and bouncing back to life, of wanting to set effective boundaries so that she was not on the receiving end of abuse, of being a compassionate, caring, loving mother, of focusing on physical and emotional health and well-being. She wanted to stop the avoidance of feared situations, and become a better team player at work, and to show up, whatever distress and state of mind she may be in. Just. Show. Up.

The first priority was to learn “unhooking” skills and Maya and I worked on mindfulness activities that would aid in the process. She had a range to choose from, and we finally zeroed in on what would help her truly centre and anchor herself in the midst of an emotional storm. These were the first set of “towards” moves.

Maya started sleeping on time, and waking up on time, and started exercising 5 days a week, even if for 20 minutes to begin with. She realized how good the exercise felt and notched it up to 30-45 minutes. Getting her child ready and ensuring she attended the online classes on time became her next task, along with logging in to her work and taking accountability. She was beginning to take charge. The intention and action of taking charge, of believing in her own self and the importance of who she wanted to be, became excellent catalysts to bring the transformation. Bit by bit, step by step, Maya started recovering from her depression and taking effective action to manage her relationship with her husband. It still is work in progress for her.

In sessions Maya would often say that whenever she was faced with a difficult situation, thought or emotion, her default question to herself was, “I have a choice to respond to this situation so that I come out with an effective resolution. What “towards” moves can I make?” and that always spearheaded her taking charge. Small wins every day.

Then again, when you’re moving towards being your best self, there are no small wins, are there? :)

We find ourselves chained and restrained by our difficult thoughts and feelings and feel we have no control over them. “If only these thoughts would stop,” is what I would often hear as an earnest request in therapy. But these thoughts are relentless, and they plough and plunder, and that’s when I would like you to remind yourself: That you have a choice, to let go of the shackles that you find yourself bound with, to choose to respond effectively, to focus on your North star, to move towards the best possible version of yourself. You owe it to yourself!

(*Choice Point 2.0 is presented here and is credited to Dr. Russ Harris (2017), adapted from the Choice Point by Bailey, Ciarrochi, & Harris (2013), proponents of the Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT).)