I'm Starting with the Woman in the Mirror

I don’t know who needs to read this, but here I am, writing about my own recent struggles with body image and the need to look “lean” because the “lighter I would be, the faster I would be able to run the longer distances,” especially since I have my eyes set on an ultra-marathon yet again this year. A message I had been hearing constantly, all around me.

When I was obese in 2004/05 weighing close to 100 kgs, my main aim of losing weight was to get rid of the host of medical conditions that had plagued me: borderline high BP, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol levels, joints aches and pains, and overall malaise, fatigue, and tiredness. But since I got to my optimal weight in 2007, and took to running in 2009, I realized my focus was now on how my genetics endowed me with a pear shaped body; in layman’s terms: heavy hips and thighs. However much I ran or worked out in the gym, the weight was here to stay, and I couldn’t understand why it was so stubborn. The fixation had started and I didn’t like what I would see in the mirror.

Some of you must be thinking, “You look just fine.”
The runners reading this may be wondering, “Yeah, you do need to lose some weight.”
And there probably is a small majority saying, “What is she talking about? What is this body image stuff?”

And so when the weight again crept up in 2012 thanks to a medical intervention and despite my very active running routine, I started consulting several nutritionists, my favorite endocrinologist, physical trainers, to see how I could shed that weight and become lean. I was already in my mid to late 30s and as soon as I entered the 40s the reasons for the weight was “age, hormones, stress.” It was assumed that my job as a psychologist MUST be stressful and that explains the weight gain.

Now that I think of these years gone by, I realized that I kept focusing on the wrong thing: The number on the scale and how I thought I looked. Not once did I pause to think whether that weight was coming in the way of my marathons. Or if my training – which would have helped me to be a more efficient runner – was right. Or when the stress was high, did that affect my runs?  When I ran a half marathon in Sangla, which was all uphill, and at a higher altitude, I was overtaken by a girl around my age, who was way heavier than me. “How is that possible?,” the short-sighted me wondered.

And then the game changer revealed itself much later: It was actually a combination of many things. The right coaching to run better and more efficiently; gaining strength overall so that my legs could run longer, without getting stalled by fatigue; managing stress through a good night’s sleep; meditations; reversing the negative self-talk; and overall focusing on good self-care overall, with a focus on clean, holistic nutrition keeping in mind that I was running longer distances, and needed to feed by body with food (and love, I realized). Not restricting foods, or starving, or detox diets, or liquid diets, low carb, keto, and whatever else that is out there which feeds into our already vulnerable, distorted body image (No offence meant to the believers).

It’s not just an “individual” issue. As a society that emphasizes being thin, and in an endurance sport such as running where leanness is very indirectly fed into our consciousness, we fall prey to those messages and then starts the downward spiral of beating ourselves up for being “fat,” “heavy boned,” and hence also not strong enough, not efficient enough, not good enough, which further spirals into a vortex of self-doubt.

“Am I capable to tackle this challenge?” “Am I cut out to be a runner?”

And to make matters worse, the calorie deficit to enable losing weight (the most common method of trying to lose weight) leaves one feeling so depleted of energy on those long runs, that the self-doubt becomes further deep seated. The mind doesn’t put the focus on the nutrition and the lack of it, but on the conditioned self-loathing that comes with the excess weight. The culprit for a bad run is something else, but we believe it is our weight that is coming in the way. And hence, the distorted body image, and the impact of mood, often leading to depression and/or anxiety.

How can I say this with such surety now?

I ran more, ate less, lost the weight and still didn’t run properly.

Huh? What the heck was happening? I was finally back to my “ideal weight” so why was I not being able to run better?

I realized there is nothing “ideal” when it comes to running. You could hope for the ideal form, ideal weight, ideal coach, ideal weather conditions, ideal health, but what comes in front of you on that particular day, could be a whole different challenge.

My struggles with body image came to light recently. I would despise how I looked with the increasing abdominal weight addition to the heavier everything else, thanks to menopause. I would curse myself for having to wear men’s running shorts in the summer and how dumpy I looked, because the female shorts are too short for my liking (That’s another pet peeve. Why are women’s running shorts so tiny? Actually, don’t bother. I think I know the answer). My obsession with the number on the scale and restricting calories stayed the same, and yet I didn’t run any better. And was in fact feeling more run down and demotivated.

Traci Carson, a PhD student in the Department of Epidemiology at the University of Michigan, did a study which highlighted that body-image ideals and the power dynamic between coaches and female athletes may contribute to an athlete’s risk of disordered eating and body image disturbance.

I am no star athlete, but this short piece from her interview spoke to me, about me.

“It has been established that athletes in endurance sports and sports that emphasize leanness (such as gymnastics and dance) have an increased risk for disordered eating and body image issues. The prevalence of disordered eating among female runners is twice as high as non-athlete peers. Our study found that increased risk may be due to myths around diet and body that have persisted through generations of runners, such as ‘the lighter you are, the faster you are’ and the idea that a specific ‘runner body’ type is necessary for success in the sport. Further, the way that coaches communicate with athletes on the topic of diet and body image can significantly influence an athlete's physical and mental wellbeing.” 

I dropped the struggle recently. Of that number on the scale, of looking into the mirror and disliking what I saw. Of cursing myself for not being a certain body type, or for feeling not good enough. Of skimping calories and feeling deprived. Of getting frustrated with how menopause was affecting me physically and emotionally and how that was yet another factor that was hindering my running performance.

It is what it is.

I can’t fight these changes and I needed to embrace them and work with what is possible. And so, I chose to eat clean and healthy, which has always been a choice I made, but now I eat more wholesome foods which include all the macros and I feel great. The shift is slowly showing in my running performance as well because I am getting all the dollops of energy I need to become a better runner. The focus on overall health took over: adequate sleep, mindfulness, coping with stress proactively, warm up and stretches post runs, strength training, recovery, fueling and hydration, and having a happier outlook in life.   

I could deal with the body image issues without their impacting me because I had the skills to cope with the agonizing thoughts that would come up and derail me for a bit, till I would find my balance again. But I think of the many people amongst us, young girls and boys, women (and men) like me, who spend years and decades beating themselves up for how they look, how “unhealthy” they feel, how they don’t fit into society’s preference for thin, lean, muscular, strong, and whatever label we can think of. I choose to include the men, because while more women report disordered eating and body image issues, I know men who have struggled with this as well. Just like most mental health issues are underreported in men, this is one of them.

We tend to be our worst critics, pulling ourselves down with our negative self-talk.

It’s time we recognized what our bodies have done for us in our past, and continue to do, despite whatever limitations, challenges and breakdowns we face. I will always remember that through some heavy menstrual cycles, headaches and cramps, I have navigated the most steep treks that I have ever done and reached my destination. In the desert mountains of Ladakh, with rarefied air, and the high altitudes, I have done 55 kms despite a fueling on the run that went totally wrong and caused acute stomach distress. One rarely recognizes what a tremendous feat the body (and mind) achieve(s), what a win it actually is. We fall into the trap of defeat, self-criticism, self-loathing, getting hooked to the “I’m not good enough” story.

I finally did what I should have done many years ago: rid myself of the psychological baggage and let go of the “runner” body image. The freedom and lightness I feel, no number on the scale can match. I don’t know what that image is meant to be anymore, but I know that I am choosing to focus on a stronger me physically, emotionally, and mentally, who is looking to run into her sunset years. For me, my best days are here and I will make the most of them, with purpose, determination, and compassion towards myself. I wish the same for you, in whatever you choose to do. 

"Die to Live." Well Said, Ashish...

60 full marathons in 60 consecutive days…in other words, running 42.2 kms every day for 60 days, thereby setting a new Guinness World Record, is what 50 year old Ashish Kasodekar achieved on 26th January 2022.

I remember interviewing him in 2019 when he ran 555 kms in the tenth edition of La Ultra -The High, in the cold, desert mountains of Ladakh.

When Ashish ran 555 kms in 2019. Photo credit: Kunal Vijayakar

“My competition is only with myself, and with no one else, and that is what I am setting my mind to,” is what he had told me. And being the only Indian to finish 555 kms in 126 hours and 18 minutes, Ashish mentioned that it was the many people cheering from him across India that gave him the energy to finish that magnificent feat. He crossed the finish line holding an Indian flag, along with his crew members.

At the finish line of 555 kms at La Ultra. Photo Credit: Chetan Sehgal

And here is Ashish again, calling his 60 marathons in 60 days, a celebration, a “Festival of Running.” Celebrating the joy of living, of community, of kinship, of spirit and passion, of accomplishments big and small, of stories that touch the heart, of having the purpose of spreading happiness, of infusing people with enthusiasm and energy to move and get active, and of coming together to make one person’s dream come true.

In 60 days, about 2500 people ran different distances with Ashish, people who had never run before, people who celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, mother-daughter duos, senior citizens, a man from the Army who injured his spinal cord and was in a wheelchair, who wanted to do his first full marathon with Ashish, and he did. Thirty to forty people did their first full marathons with him, and many did their first ever 5k, 10k, 20k, 42.2 kms who were inspired by Ashish’s dream.

It all started with a celebration of Ashish’s milestone 50th birthday last year.

“Divya, you must hear this punch line I came up with.” I was all ears.

“Die to live.” He said. “There is so much more to life than just paying bills. There has to be one thing you do that must bring you happiness. For me it is running, for others it could be whatever they choose to do. But be happy doing it.”

His 50th birthday celebration started with planting 50 trees, and then he came up with the idea of running 50 full marathons in 50 days.

But wait, the current Guinness record is of 59 marathons in 59 days, so might as well try and beat that. The only difference was that it wasn’t for himself. Ashish wanted to build a community of people who came together, to cheer, to participate, and to realize that they had it within themselves to run the distances of anything between 5 and 42 kms. He wanted to hear peoples’ stories, their reasons for running, their life stories, he wanted to set an example and get people to move, so even if they came to cheer him on, before they knew it, they did a 5 km lap with him. His method was such that it naturally made people join him.

Ashish ran the track at the Pune University. One loop was 5 kms so he would keep meeting different people at the start line who ran different distances with him as he repeated the loops. People had travelled from all across India to run with him. One such man was Sushil, who had reached Pune the night before from Lucknow, had borrowed a cycle from his friend, reached Pune University, slept for a couple of hours while waiting for Ashish and his team to arrive at 5:30 AM. Sushil ran the full marathon in an astonishing time of 3 hours and 5 minutes, and as Ashish invited him for lunch and to spend some time with him, Sushil’s simplicity stood out. He is a cook for a family, who support his love for running and sponsor his marathons wherever he chooses to run. So while he would have loved to take up the lunch invite, he needed to return his friend’s bicycle and head back to Lucknow the same day. There were people like these who motivated Ashish daily.

“I did not set an alarm for a single day in these 60 days. I would wake up on my own at 4:30 AM and start my runs by 6 AM. It was the anticipation of meeting everyone who showed up, whose stories I heard, who touched my life, that gave me the energy to run, every day.”

I asked Ashish how he prepped for 60 days of consecutive marathons. Focus and discipline were his influencers. He slept well, ate well, emphasized on recovery after each run, and again revelled in the energy from the community that came together and shaped his life too in ways which even he had never imagined. He underwent medical check ups every few days to make sure his parameters and vitals were all normal.

The moment he entered the Guiness Book of World Records. Photo credit: Team Ashish Kasodekar

And so, 60 days and 60 marathons were done. But that wasn’t enough. Ashish did a 61st marathon just for himself, to test his endurance and see in what time he finished it, just on a whim. And while he averaged 5.5 hours per run for those 60 days, walking and running and encouraging people to run along, his 61st was in a record 3 hours and 45 minutes.

You would think someone like Ashish would have been running for decades. So I asked Ashish about his entry into running. In 2013 he ran his first run of 15 kms, and from 2015 he did three full marathon (and a tad bit more) distances, twice ran the Comrades (90 kms) in South Africa, and then onwards it was running the ultra distances at La Ultra The High in the Himalayas: 111 kms in 2017, 333 kms in 2018, and 555 kms in 2019. I haven’t known anyone like Ashish, who has such a steep trajectory as far as running performance goes.

So what’s next, I asked.

The Badwater Ultramarathon in California’s Death Valley, a distance of 217 kms, with temperatures ranging from 50-54C is where Ashish is headed to in July.

“If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough…” Drive, dedication, and discipline,” are must haves when it comes to starting any journey, be it running or whatever you choose to do with passion.” That piece of advice stayed with me.

Any life lessons from this experience?

“The Himalayas taught me to listen, and not just to hear. This event taught me to embrace people, their stories, their trials and tribulations, dreams and aspirations. To listen to what they had to share with me. I learnt so much from everyone who came out to support me.”

I have always known Ashish to be this unassuming, humble person, and it shone through again this time over. The credit of his accomplishment was not just attributed to him, it was his crew, friends, the people from all over who came out to run with him, and what he learnt from them, which he said he will always remember.

It was the senior citizens who stood on the podium and received their first medals ever, who thanked him for influencing them, is what I will remember. And Sushil, who showed Ashish what drive and dedication meant and to what lengths he could go to pursue his dreams, is what I will remember. And so much more from Ashish’s experiences, his grit and spirit, his love for life, and how he is forever helpful in motivating and training people who want to take up running.

Thank you, Ashish, for inspiring so many of us out there, and once again, congratulations on an achievement that seems so personal to some of us. I will be rooting for you at the Badwaters this July