Self-love

The Power of Gratitude

I’m sitting at my favorite spot on campus at Marquette University in Milwaukee. The cozy fireplace in the café inside the Law Library is keeping me warm on a cold November day with blustery winds and sub-zero temperatures. It’s quiet except for the barista making some fresh coffee and I hear people wishing each other “Happy Thanksgiving,” as the US takes the week off to celebrate this tradition of giving thanks, to family and friends, as it does on the last Thursday of November every year.

As I saw the flames leap through the logs in the fireplace, annihilating themselves to bring warmth to us sitting close by, I reflected on the past ten days where I found much needed succor and comfort in my sisters’ company as we regrouped.

A lot has happened in the past year. The family – the unbreakable glue that has always kept us rooted and together—struggled to find its footing after Mom passed away, exactly 11 months ago, to this day. In this time, grief reared its ugly head as we all struggled to come to terms with the Mom-sized void she left in our hearts. Life came to a standstill, chaos and confusion wreaked havoc, we found our own selves clamoring to find answers to our own existential crises that stared us in the eye. Our rock of Gibraltar was gone and we found ourselves on a precipice, about to fall.

And just like that, a human chain was formed. We held each other’s hand so that none of us teetered and lost balance. Dad took over Mom’s role by assuming her responsibilities, and we herded together, huddled around him. The sisters and I shared stories of Mom’s legacy, kept her alive in our memories and heart, and we appreciated each other as extensions of her, in flesh and blood. She was alive in us. The bonds strengthened as we realized how insignificant other issues become in the face of this grave loss.

My 20-year- old niece sent in occasional messages to check on how I was doing, updating me with her goings-on, her life in college, and all her other antics. Her love touched my heart across the continents. I wasn’t alone.

I’ve seen the loss of friends’ parents this year. Somehow cremations were more frequent than celebratory events. The wounds from our own loss would open again, pain would overwhelm temporarily, only to heal again, for however long the next loss would come around the corner and yank it wide open. The scars started forming nevertheless and the pain dulled, thankfully.

I’ve seen heartbreak, fraying away of relationships that once were crafted lovingly with a silken thread, recently, or even many years ago. Be they of friendships, filial bonds, or even our connection with our own selves. There is a breaking away, in any case, of tiny fragments from the soul, as one watches on helplessly, wondering if the season will ever change from winter to spring. The dull ache continues.

The precipice looms up large, jeering you on to look into it so that you can lose balance and fall. How seductive that dance is.

The spiral could continue pulling you into its deep dark vortex till you reach your hand out and grab at something. Anything that could make you hold on.

For me, that anchor was gratitude, counting life’s blessings, learning once again from the hurt and pain, and coming back up from hitting rock bottom; believing that you had it in you to come crashing through to the other side with all the courage you can muster.

This Thanksgiving, despite it being a tumultuous year which in itself was a huge learning, I found myself reflecting on what made me soar, rather than fall; and how we can give thanks to life, replete with all its glory and the darkness.

  • Family: Those bonds that love and heal. This much I know, that when the going gets rough, it is family, and often the immediate one that comes together to support you, however anguished each one may be, at an individual level or with one another. There is a comfort in healing together, sharing together, and moving forward together. They become your voice of reason when you lose yourself, often holding your hand, even in silence, across the distance till you ride the tide.

  • True friends: Those who understood just when I needed to go into hibernation to make sense of things, who dealt with my silences, my absences, who met to give hugs, or just to have coffee with. Who continued to send messages despite my non-responsiveness because they put themselves aside to be there for me. Those for me are my true friends, and you know who you are.

  • The King of our House, The Dog: Jopu, our black Labrador is 14 years old this month. Despite his arthritic hind legs, his rasping cough, he walks up to the door to greet us in the evening when we come back from work. If he can function through his pain, express his happiness on seeing us, shower us with unconditional love, what’s our excuse?

  • What brings meaning: For me it’s been work. Seeing clients grow, becoming the best versions of their self, working on their relationships with themselves and significant others has brought immense satisfaction. I have realized that when you step out and be of service to others, you forget your own misery. Healing becomes mutual and a subtle two-way street.

  • Heartbreak: I dug out my post on Kintsugi yesterday, to remind myself of the beauty in brokenness when I experienced heartache, yet again (damn the empath in me). I realized that if the old, previously functional but now dysfunctional patterns continue and I end up hurting again, then I am responsible for that and I need to take charge. The reason why we don’t move forward is because we keep applying an old formula to a new level in our lives. We need to change the formula to get a different result. It’s as simple as that.

  • “But darling, in the end you’ve got to be your own hero, because everybody’s busy trying to save themselves.” I had read this pithy, hard hitting quote many years ago, but this year it resonated and how. There are voids we seek to fill by reaching out to others. There are expectations we have of relationships and people being a certain way so that they serve us better, only to often lead to disappointment. When it comes to coming back up after you hit rock bottom, listen to your head and heart, dig deep and find out the courage within to rise up again. Be your own hero, and don’t you ever quit.

  • Letting go: Of people’s actions that hurt us, of situations that don’t serve us, of anger and resentment that fester within and come in the way of our own freedom. Let go…

  • Lift Yourself Up: Don’t let your fears run the show; get out of bed when it’s hard; make room for inner peace, joy, and beauty; rewrite your story so that it’s empowering; care for your own feelings and be gentle with yourself; do the best you can in this moment.

  • Love yourself: Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energies of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval.

  • Be a light in a too-often dim world: Build someone up, put their fears to rest, remind them of their self-worth, have them believe in their own magic. Be a ray of hope.

  • Missed opportunities and failures: It’s humbling to have experienced failure and disappointments because you realize you are made of some strong stuff to bounce back. You always have a choice whether to soar or sink.

And in the end, gratitude to grief. Grief that I shunned 11 months ago, that brought me to my knees, that I couldn’t make sense of. I read books on death, dying, and living to understand what would have happened to Mom in her afterlife. Was she happy? Was she finally at peace after that horrific illness that took her breath away? I was shaken up within. Only to realize that grief revealed who I truly was. It took the blinders and the filters away; it made my voice stronger; it numbed me at times but also was the flashlight in the night full of darkness. It paved the way through turbulent times to bring me to where I am today. Looking over the precipice with a smile, and saying, “Hey, I got this. Try me!”

This Thanksgiving, express gratitude for life, its lessons, the people in it that have each played a role in shaping you and who you are today. While it’s about appreciating the love of the family, it has to begin with you, that single entity that weaves the web and extends its roots deep down in our connectedness with others.

Go ahead, take the opportunity to use thanks as the anchor and springboard, as your strength and your mirror!

Hiding in Plain Sight: The Perils of "Smiling Depression"

“You? And depressed? I could never tell! I have always seen you smiling and so upbeat! Are you sure? You barely shirked work, you were there when friends in need reached out to you. It doesn’t add up.”

“I did have to be on anti-depressants for 6 months till I worked through the depression and was back to being OK over time.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

You may wonder who this “YOU” is. It could be you, someone you know in the family, someone you work with, someone you know of.

Or, it could be me.

And yes, it is me, but a me that I encountered 12 years ago.

I'm open about admitting my vulnerabilities, having dug deep into them. And I have found life's biggest lessons in those spaces.

“YOU? YOU and depressed?!”

Here we go again. 😊

There are many of us who look seemingly happy on the outside and are struggling within, with thoughts that are depressive in nature, with feeling low, sad, melancholic, and sometimes, just “blue.” A scream within that rips our soul. And we hide behind a mask for several reasons, reasons that don’t need to be judged but need to be empathized with.

We assume and expect depression to show on our faces and in our behavior: A furrowed brow, a sad look in the eye, crying, slow speech, little conversation, an occasional outburst of anger, relationships getting affected, work suffering, insomnia, and so on.  We expect people to show that they just can’t function, or become so debilitated that life seems like a struggle.

But get this: nearly half of the people with depression appear happy.

I’ll wait for that to sink in.

“Smiling Depression” (not really a technical term that we psychologists use) is steadily being talked more about now. In mental health realms as a diagnostic category it is better known as “atypical depression” or “persistent depressive disorder.” But if calling it “smiling depression” helps destigmatize depression and mental illness, then so be it. If it helps people to sit up and notice the title which seems like such an oxymoron (how can someone with depression smile?) then so be it. At least we are raising our awareness levels about mental illness and its ravaging effects if unaddressed. And I hope this conversation would then translate to people taking action soon, before it is too late.

So, what is smiling depression. It’s a condition where we seem happy to others while we internally struggle with depressive symptoms, where we put up a façade of wellness, and we successfully cover the anguish within. A sizeable number of us may feel a low mood, a withdrawal or loss of interest in activities that once gave us joy, and may become particularly vulnerable to suicide because of the hopelessness we feel in light of things around us externally being A-OK. In other words, we are “high functioning” depressives.  

“I referred my colleague to you for counseling. She seemed so happy and has everything going for her. I just couldn’t figure out if she is really depressed or just seeking attention or maybe just faking it?”

I heard this from a friend recently. I did thank her for the referral, and also had this to say so that she reflects on what she just said.

Depression is not about what we have or don’t have externally in terms of money, a home, a good relationship, a job etc., but how we process and see the world through our internal, mental filter. We may have “everything” but the way we “see” ourselves, being self-critical, having low self-esteem and self-confidence, being critical about our relationships with people, our way of maneuvering within our world – these are what dictate our thoughts, our mood, and our behaviors.

So this “he/she has no reason to be depressed about” is not for us to say. We need to step into their shoes to see what they see, hear what they hear, feel what they feel. Even then, we may only be able to get a snapshot of their realities, not the entirety of their experience.

It’s tough to spot someone struggling with smiling depression. They may always smile at you, greet you with a pleasant hello, have full fledged conversations, be able to function well at their jobs or manage their relationships, appear to have a good time if they do decide to make it to social dos.

But inside? Inside, it’s a whole different story.

They feel hopeless and down, crippled internally with feelings of anxiety, fear, irritability, anger, tiredness, and general despair. They may find getting up and going difficult in the morning. They may be getting dressed for work, and once they are at work they may have a power packed day and get through it well. And then things take a hit.

Self-care takes a hit because energy is expended in taking care of the basic things in the daily routine. Their mood worsens in the evening, having managed the weight of the day and end up feeling tired. They may also experience more physical aches and pains. Emotional eating may increase, exercise gets pushed to the wayside, and they find hanging out with friends (mostly) emotionally very draining.

Mask.jpg

They struggle and fight with their own demons inside, the thoughts that clamor around in their head. Thoughts such as those of abandonment and/or rejection, being easily hurt over criticism, tending to ruminate or think excessively about unpleasant situations that have taken place. Thoughts and feelings which can’t be or are not spoken about. They often sleep more to avoid facing the day, or stay awake intermittently through the night feeling tormented.

There is a gnawing feeling that “something or everything isn’t right.” “My life seems lacklustre and meaningless, purposeless.” “There is an emptiness or a void which I just can’t seem to fill.” “No one will understand.” And then…

“It’s 6 AM. Time to wake up the kids, send them off to school, and get ready for work.”  The façade is back.

Why the façade or the mask, you may ask.

The reasons are individualized and personal, but the common ones I have gleaned through in people I have worked with in sessions, except the obvious one about the perceptions of stigma, are:

“I feel guilty talking about my deeper feelings, because on the outside everything seems fine. I have a decent life going on, so what do I really say?

But something just doesn’t “feel” right. An attempt to rationalize and “do away” with the feeling of unnecessary sadness adds to their feeling pressurized and self-critical.

“I don’t want to be a burden on anyone by sharing all that I am going through.”

Guilt becomes a hallmark thought and feeling that creeps in.

“I don’t want the world to know what I am going through.”

The mask acts as a defense mechanism.

“People may not understand. They see me functioning well and just may not get what I am going through.”

“I will deal with this on my own.”

“Everything is fine some/most of the times. So why bother? Isn’t this normal?”

And they may very well experience a genuine lift in mood as a result of something good or positive that happens in their external world. For example, meeting a close friend and having a good time, or being able to perform well at work and being appreciated for it. But soon they go back into that spiral of hopelessness and sadness.

All of this makes it easy for the rest of us to assume that they may be “attention seeking” or “faking it” without knowing about how they are truly feeling because we again assume that they may have some secondary gains (for e.g., time away from work, attention from spouse) by revealing that they are depressed.

In an already heavily opinionated and judgmental world, it would be good to let go of this perception especially for people struggling with mental health issues. Sensitivity, an open heart and mind to listen to others without our own perceptions tainting our vision, being there for them, and demonstrating empathy is what we need.

You’ve heard me say this so often.

So what do I do if I seem to have “smiling depression?”

Start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. That the sadness and hopelessness exist, between moments of being OK, that they need to be voiced and that you need to seek help for it. We need to do away with the rationalizing we engage in when we tell ourselves that it’s not so bad, when in reality it is. For some, this realization itself makes them  feel like they have taken charge towards a path of recovery and self-development, and that often is the first crucial step in breaking free from the shackles of smiling depression. For those who continue to keep their feelings bottled up within, the risk of suicide is higher. Simply because they have the strength to not only manage their daily routine chores mechanically, but also to do something to end their suffering once and for all. Yes, suicide is a real risk.

I have also had clients sit across from me and tell me how they have accepted that this is how they will be: “anxious,” “depressed,” “angry” or whatever label they ascribe to themselves. That they resign to their condition and lead sub-optimal lives. To people like them, I would like to emphatically say that they do not need to live in the shadow of those labels. There are many ways mental health professionals work in facilitating recovery, from counseling and psychotherapy, medications if and when needed, key lifestyle changes such as engaging in physical activity/exercise, nutrition, sound sleep hygiene, and helping in finding their purpose and meaning in life.

The most important thing?

Don’t do nothing.

Start somewhere. Talking to someone close to you, someone you can confide in with ease, is a good place. Air out the concerns and feelings without feeling like you are a burden on them. After all, wouldn’t we be there for our loved ones if they needed us?

The support, a patient ear, an openness to embrace all that one goes through including the shame, guilt, fears, blame; a shoulder to cry on, and a hug to feel comforted in go a long, long way. When our deepest, hidden scars burn with self-loathing, it helps to know that someone deeply cares for you and that sets us free by gently leading us towards self-compassion and a resolve to put those demons to rest.

 So instead of that muffled, anguished, yet silent scream which only we can hear inside in our despair, we must commit to ourselves to have someone give us a space where we let go.

Because letting go is the first step to finding ourselves all over again.