October 10th is World Mental Health Day and this year’s theme is increased investment in mental health. It took a pandemic to bring attention to this topic, when people the world over found disruptions in their daily lives, forced upon by Covid-19. And the disruptions have been varied and wide-ranging: increased conflicts within families, financial difficulties because of job losses, the isolation brought by the stringent lockdowns, work and education moving online. Boundaries between work and home have blurred, major life plans were shelved or disrupted, hugs and holding hands were shunned, couples disbanded, anxiety and depression rose, and those with pre-existing mental health conditions faced even greater challenges as the social isolation wreaked havoc. And those who lost loved ones in this pandemic went through crippling grief as they couldn’t spend time, or bid a last goodbye.

The fact that we have to talk about increasing investment in mental health shines a blinding light now on how we have often shunned seeking help for our mental health needs.

You’ll recognize these common reactions.

“What will people think?”

“Do I really need to talk to a professional about this issue? It seems so trivial.” 

“I’m sure I’m stronger than this. I will deal with this on my own.”

“Therapy is for the mentally ill. I’m not that bad.”

And the list of reasons to deny help to oneself and others increase.

I often wonder how many people continue to suffer because they or their colleagues, friends, and families see counseling and therapy through prejudicial, stigmatized eyes. How they may never find solace and comfort, joy and meaning, or even be able to reach their true potential which may lie buried under the suffering and angst. They talk about life going by in a blur, pointless, replete with drudgery & loneliness, feeling like no one cares. And resign themselves to being able to do very little about it.

Oh, how we get mired into our misery and make a compromise with life: Maybe this is how it is meant to be, we tell our weary heart.

In these past few months, I have worked with several people who brought a lot of things to the forefront: their sadness, worries, anger, anxieties, fear of the unknown and the accompanying uncertainties, pain, restlessness, interpersonal conflicts, separations, divorces, career paths dwindling. And whatever be the reason for why they sought therapy in the first place, I ended up talking about one aspect with every single one of them. The pathways and the time to get to the same first step in the therapeutic journey may be different but I would nudge and goad, and walk beside every one of them till they agreed to reach there, sooner or later.

Some would downright refuse, some would look at me pleadingly, some would acknowledge that it was time, some would break down because they couldn’t “allow” it, and some would gladly make space for healing to start with this one big step.

And that step is one of Self-Compassion.

To understand self-compassion better, let me start with telling you about Vidya (name changed).

Vidya, married for 24 years, has been silently suffering through her husband’s emotional abuse. She spent her years taking care of the children and him, giving up her dreams  of becoming a designer of heirloom clothes. Vidya spoke about her unhappiness to her siblings and her parents but they told her the same thing that most women have shared with me in session, “Itna toh bardaasht karna parhta hai.” (“One has to bear this much at least.”)

She finally decided to walk out of the marriage. She had suffered enough. But the guilt of bringing pain to her loved ones was causing her anguish and immense worry and sadness. Not only that, she was berating herself for not being able to stand up for herself through all these years.

“How could I just not say anything, Divya? Why did I waste so many precious years of my life?”

“I can never forgive myself for this. I was so stupid, so naïve.”  

What was adding to the mix of emotions was the fear of the unknown. A woman in her 50s, the “divorcee” tag, the vulnerabilities that come along with it, the lack of social status, and the much-heard line laced with condescension, “You’re in your 50s. Why not just go along with the marriage? You’ve come this far! What more do you want?” 

From having cared for others’ needs all along, Vidya was finding caring for her own self as being “selfish.” Which made her look at her decision of ending her marriage with skepticism and vacillation.

Vidya started talking about her best friend, who had been in a similar situation as hers years ago. They had known each other for a little over four decades, had been married roughly the same time, had kids roughly the same age, and who had built a kinship based on empathy and compassion. Vidya helped her through a difficult life situation, being a pillar of strength and support to her friend.

Vidya and I had a conversation around this:

“You really helped your friend in her time of need, Vidya. She was feeling bad, was struggling immensely, and you were there, right? How did you respond to your friend’s situation specifically? What did you do to help? What all did you say to her? I really want you to spell it out for me and I want you to write it down as you narrate it to me as well.”

Vidya played along with me. She said and wrote the following:

1. I would tell her she deserves better. She deserves to be happy. She had had enough.
2. I would encourage her to take care of herself: She loved to pray and go for her morning walks. I nudged her to resume them. I would often cook healthy meals for her.
3. I would always take her calls, and be there for her, even if she silently cried.
4. I told her to be kind to herself. She was so self-critical.
5. I would often tell her that I love her and I will always be there for her, like we had been for 43 years.
6. I made her seek professional help when she threatened to harm herself. I went with her for the first couple of sessions with her therapist.
7. I helped her set up her new home and was by her side when she was faced with transitional challenges. 

And so I went on. “Now, you are in a difficult and challenging situation yourself, and it’s been years of suffering. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Again, if you can indulge me, please write down what you typically do or say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.”

She looked at me incredulously.

“I see what you are trying to do here, Divya, but you know it’s different when you are trying to be there for someone else. It comes easier.”

“Give it a go, Vidya. Take your time.”

1. I have stopped working out and have been emotionally eating. I have gained weight and I loathe myself even more.
2. I can’t sleep at night because I am constantly worrying, about others, about what my actions would do to them.
3. I call myself names: “Spineless,” “timid,” “passive,” “stupid,” “undeserving.” I tell myself that I deserve this misery for having kept quiet for so long.
4. I can’t forgive myself. I am to blame for all this. Even though I understand that I was young and wasn’t worldly wise and that I tried voicing my concerns to my parents but I couldn’t do more.
5. I feel selfish.
6. I feel stuck. Is the known devil better than the unknown?

“How’s the tone in which you speak to yourself?” I asked

“Oh, that’s always harsh, a pitch higher, condescending, blaming, unforgiving.”

“Did you notice a difference? In the way you treated your best friend and how you treat yourself?”

“Yes, she said.”

“What factors, fears, other emotions come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others differently? I went on…

“You noticed how your friend thrived under your care and compassion. You yourself said she credits you for taking her out of the deep, dark space. Would you please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to your loved ones, like your children, your best friend, your parents?” Why not try treating yourself with the same love and compassion that you would treat a friend and see what happens?”

This was an indirect way of teaching self-compassion to Vidya, and to several others who may show resistance to this concept, when they want to punish themselves for what happened in the past. When they feel that they don’t deserve their own love and kindness because they “messed up,” not seeing how the self-flagellation was causing them more anguish in the here and now.

It is easier to show compassion to others than to our own selves, and so indirectly I start with this lesson.

Compassion involves three key aspects:

1. Noticing another person’s suffering.

2. Feeling moved by the suffering and being able to empathize with their experiences. Your heart will respond to their pain and you will feel warmth, care, concern, and a desire to help the person who is suffering. Even if they have made mistakes, wronged you or others, failed, stumbled, messed up, you offer understanding and kindness rather than creating an emotional distance by judging them harshly or with deprecation.

3. You realize that imperfections, suffering, failures, mistakes are all part of what makes us human. We share lived experiences of yin and yang, suffering and joy, failures and successes. It is how we relate to these concepts that determine our outlook on life.

Vidya reflected on what we spoke that week in session and I also added a self-compassion meditation to her self-care toolkit.

In our next session, she reported a slightly heightened level of openness to discussing self-compassion. She reported that instead of all the name calling she was engaging in she softened up her inner critic’s voice and had become more aware of the harsh self-judgments and was beginning to be more compassionate towards herself.

“I started reframing what I would say to myself and it took a bit of an effort initially but I saw the effect it had on me. So for instance, instead of calling myself “stupid” and “undeserving of happiness” I would gently engage in supportive self-talk such as, “I feel worse when I beat myself up, so from today onwards I will focus on taking care of my needs and taking charge of my life bit by bit.”

Vidya had as a result, starting going for walks thrice a week to begin with, started cooking healthy meals for herself, and focused on taking charge of her emotional eating. She also spoke to her children about her decision and didn’t dwell on the guilt that used to torment her earlier. The kids were immensely supportive because they had seen her suffer enough.

She felt the self-compassion meditations and mindfulness moment to moment on being kind and gentle helped her in letting go of the strong hold she had on perfection, making no mistakes, and how she would beat herself up for the things she unknowingly and mistakenly held herself responsible for.

We still have a long way to go. But at least she had stopped mercilessly judging and berating herself, for holding herself responsible for inadequacies, mistakes, failings, shortcomings, not just of her own, but of others too. She was weighing herself down with too much baggage. She was taught to always be stoic, to keep herself together, and she learnt to let go of that too. There was comfort in shedding an occasional tear in session, of letting her vulnerabilities show up, of making room for them, and of learning from them, strength by strength.

She learnt that things don’t go as planned, that fears are a natural part of any major life transition, that we will experience pain and frustration, and losses, and grief even in walking out of a miserable marriage, that we will look wide eyed at our own limitations, that we may have a long way to go before we reach what we value for ourselves, but as long as we embrace and honor our own selves and our humanness, we will take everything that comes up in our stride.

Vidya invested in her mental health, and has stuck through with a dogged therapist like me who focuses on inner transformation if the clients agrees to trust me and engages with me. It isn’t always easy to show them this path, when we ideally would want to change the world around us to suit our own needs.

So, on this World Mental Health Day, I’d like to learn from Vidya and urge you to focus on:

1.  Seeing mental health services as a means to living a healthier, more meaningful life, and not just for the mentally ill. A huge part of my work involves working on personal development, reaching into your true potential, living a life based on you being guided by your own True North Star.

2. Showing compassion to self and others, on taking care of your own well-being and of those of your loved ones.

3. Supporting someone who needs mental health services. A client of mine told me that his friend had sponsored the session fees since he was going through a tough time financially. Truly, support in any form goes a long way: Being there for someone in need, showing compassion, encouraging them to seek professional help, and normalizing the experience of counseling and psychotherapy are some definitive ways.

Because mental health isn’t just the absence of illness. It’s the presence of wellness. It takes continuous and consistent awareness. And it can result in transformed, meaning-filled lives.

To corroborate this point, here is an insightful read by Rashi Bhargava, a client of mine who has been very vocal about her experiences in therapy without requesting for anonymity. She writes about “Why It’s Worth Investing in Your Mental Health.”

So, what would you do for yourself daily to take care of your mental health and overall well-being? What would it take for you to shower yourself with love, kindness, and care, like you would to someone you cherish?