I’ve been staring at the blank screen on my laptop, with the cursor blinking, goading me to write. Like now, sometimes I am faced with a block and nothing flows from the heart, which is how I usually write. It’s been two days. But then as I was enveloped in a sea of silence on this Diwali, a stark contrast to how it would have been if Mom was around, I realized what I wanted to write about when it came to the concluding part from my previous post on Forgiveness.

Why did a sombre Diwali finally get me going? As I glanced at all the WhatsApp forwards I received, I realized how festivals and occasions make their mark with the people we love and cherish in our lives. And how their absence makes it lacklustre, how that gnawing, huge gaping hole in the heart threatens to consume us, and how we at some point question the value of life, of how we have led it, of who traveled with us on the journey, of who wronged us, of who we need to seek forgiveness from. One ponders on attempting to rebuild relationships that fell by the wayside, just because misunderstandings cropped up, our egos came in the way, life took over, or the hurt was monumental.

It’s only when you are faced with a grave loss, especially that of a loved one, that you realize life may need recalibrating. And we start reflecting more on the choices we make, the relationships we treasure, the ones we let go. We aim for simplicity, because in the end, all the complex weaves and webs of baggage-laden relationships weigh us down, and they don’t make sense to us. And we decide to free ourselves from those. We make our peace with ourselves, first and foremost.

That is what forgiveness for us is all about, even when the other person doesn’t change, doesn’t express remorse at what was done, or isn’t there anymore to have a dialogue with, either because they have passed on, or choose not to communicate. It’s always about us, and freeing ourselves of the baggage, in an unselfish way. It’s about the relationships we value and would want to do our best to not let them rot away. It’s about what brings us joy, peace of mind, and contentment. Because if we don’t value ourselves and what psychological space we operate from, how can we even begin to connect with the world.

But, and here’s the big condition, it may not always be a two-way street and we have to understand that.

And so the questions pop up, unbidden:
“If he/she doesn’t realize what he/she did, then why should I bother?”
“If he/she is not going to change the behavior that affected me, then what’s the point?”
“I know things will continue to be a mess and there will be no resolution, so why go through this process?” (And all these questions may all be right.)

But here’s my question to you.

Tell me, behind the ego-driven defenses that come up quickly to the rescue, is there not a tinge of hurt/anger/resentment/sadness that makes its presence felt? Subtly? Be honest with yourself when you answer this question. And if there is even an iota of hurt, then we owe it to ourselves to resolve it and live honestly, joyfully, peacefully.

There is that other big question that I will address first: Do we always need to forgive?

Short answer: No.

It is a complex process, both emotionally and psychologically. And often the premise becomes that if we don’t bring ourselves to forgive someone, then we must feel some guilt, or feel the weight of unfinished businesses. That is damaging to the self.

If we look at the situational factors that involve forgiveness, the scenarios are thus:

1. Someone hurts us, suffers emotionally themselves, begs for our forgiveness, and it is somewhat easier for us to grant them forgiveness because they have assumed responsibility, taken it on themselves that they messed up. It’s also easier to forgive, knowing the chances of them going down the hurtful path is low because they have suffered the anguish themselves too. 

2. Someone shows no remorse or does not own up to their actions that may have hurt us. But we think, hey, I value this relationship, and this is how the person is (blunt, moody, temperamental, anxious, depressed etc. etc.), may not intentionally want to hurt me, but doesn’t know that s/he ended up doing that, so hmmm, can I be compassionate, and show some empathy and try to understand what led to this hurtful behavior? Can I put myself in their shoes and try to understand why they behaved in such a way? If one is unaware of their actions that caused pain, can I forgive that person? Can I step back from the hurt, and work this through patiently, over time? I have also been forgiven time and again for the hurt I have caused to others; so clearly I could reflect on and learn from that.

3. But when someone derives pleasure from our hurt and pain, shows absolutely no remorse despite knowing how much their behavior affected us, and continues to hurt us to gain personal satisfaction, it is that malevolence that must not be forgiven. In asking to forgive the “unforgivable,” like in the case of child abuse, we may actually end up compromising the sense of self, self-esteem, and their understanding of themselves, the world, and the people in it. There is a need to understand and accept what one went through, and to work through the hurt, but at the same time trying to not “hold onto” the blame on the wrongdoer, because that “holding on” may bring up those encrypted, coded memories that will keep disturbing our peace of mind. It’s best to understand, accept, grow, and move forward. But do we need to forgive? No.

Next big question: What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?

My answer is in a series of questions: Is that person’s behavior, will, intention, in our control? If they don’t change, and it is important for me that they must, then what do I want to do with this relationship? Is it worth it to let go of this one? How damning are the consequences of that behavior? Was it a minor hurt I can let go of, or something significant which had major repercussions? Or can I let go of the anguish and learn to deal with the situation better, without harming my self-concept and self-esteem? The answers lie within you.

But this much I can say, getting the other person to change his or her words and actions is not the point of forgiveness. Forgiveness is for us, and how it can change our lives, by bringing us peace, a calmness of mind, and a soul that is unfettered and soars.

What if I am the one who needs forgiveness?

This is often the one that we struggle the most with; one of the greatest challenges that we will ever face. Simply because it is asking us to love ourselves, accept ourselves as whole despite our flaws, be willing to accept without judgment, everything about us, including our shortcomings and our strengths. We become habituated to beating ourselves up, of keeping ourselves small and unworthy, of being our worst critics, and then couple it with something we did to cause anguish to another person, we bring on double the ammunition for the self-inflicted terror.

Where do we start?

By being gentle with ourselves. Even if we have to remind ourselves of this golden rule for a gazillion times, we have to do it; by exercising this choice from the heart and not just as mere words.

Silence that inner critic that goads you to pay penance for what you have done by inflicting more self-loathing and guilt.

It’s only when we are gentle with ourselves that our hearts open up to healing and self-love.

Self-forgiveness is a process which starts by acknowledging our actions and taking responsibility for what we’ve done. We move on to learn from the experience by acknowledging the deeper feelings that motivated the behaviors and thoughts for which we now feel guilty about and hold ourselves in judgment.

Open your heart…I will say it again, open your heart and hold yourself compassionately.

Listen to the fears and your calls for help and give them their space to be heard. Acknowledge that they reside within and need to be put to rest. It’s only then we can move towards healing our emotional wounds by heeding those calls in healthy, responsible, and loving ways. Aligning ourselves with our true Self which is meant to be guiltless, always loving, always embracing, and remaining centered within, is the way to be. It’s like having the ripples of a lake return to the stillness and placidity that it was always intended to have despite the pebble stirring the surface.

So, why was it easier to write this piece after a sombre Diwali, in the face of Mom’s passing ten months ago? The context told me to do what I’d recommend you, and all of us, to do: I want us to reflect on our relationships, our living life with honesty and authenticity. About which meaningful relationships can be rebuilt if we keep our egos and grudges aside and move forward to forgive. About how we owe it to ourselves to treat ourselves with love, kindness, and self-acceptance.

Life is short, and the moment is now, to live it well, with the people who truly matter. Starting with ourselves.